I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
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Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
is this meant to deter me
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
But wait…
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Important
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill
Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views