I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
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Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me: