@ObscureGent

I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.

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@goodthyngs

Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.

@slaughthie

All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.

@MyHairyLife

If you take longer than 10 seconds at the hand dryer, I will wipe my hands on the back of your shirt.

@TheOnion

New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App

@SteveSuckington

The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.

@oakhillbargrill

Son: I’m addicted to morphing

Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?

Son: No Dad,not Morphine

Dad: what?

Son: *turns into bat

@DaveVescio

I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.

@kcmoore51

16: My friend is coming to get something while we’re gone.

Me: Should we leave a key?

16: No, she’ll just go thru the doggie door again.