I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.

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Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.


All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.


If you take longer than 10 seconds at the hand dryer, I will wipe my hands on the back of your shirt.


New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App


The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.


Son: I’m addicted to morphing

Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?

Son: No Dad,not Morphine

Dad: what?

Son: *turns into bat


I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.


16: My friend is coming to get something while we’re gone.

Me: Should we leave a key?

16: No, she’ll just go thru the doggie door again.