Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
If you take longer than 10 seconds at the hand dryer, I will wipe my hands on the back of your shirt.
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The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND *holds up a cat*
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Son: *turns into bat
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
He just sat there.
Like a Psychopath.
16: My friend is coming to get something while we’re gone.
Me: Should we leave a key?
16: No, she’ll just go thru the doggie door again.