“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
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Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
I like donuts.
Twitter:
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby