I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
You Might Also Like
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.