@causticbob

I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.

She turned around and found out I was walking her home.

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@Brianhopecomedy

My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.

@lecalabara

You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.

@krisv_723

[On my death bed]

My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?

@squirrel74wkgn

Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.

@patnspankme

Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?

@AndrewChamings

this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him

@ibid78

[God waking up with a hangover] last night was a blur. Whose prayers did I answer?
[sees Trump leading in the polls] uh oh

@weinerdog4life

Justin Beiber has 23 million followers and I just got unfollowed by a horse magazine.