I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.

She turned around and found out I was walking her home.

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All I remember about college is that everyone was saying the word dichotomy. The teachers, the students. I heard a janitor say it once.


The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.

Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.


For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!


I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.


Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.


WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind

ME: Duh

[later at party]

ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?


Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.


HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble

ME: that’s ridictacular


I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane