@causticbob

I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.

She turned around and found out I was walking her home.

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@Palumbros

All I remember about college is that everyone was saying the word dichotomy. The teachers, the students. I heard a janitor say it once.

@HomeProbably

The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.

Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.

@raniao2011

For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

@Rollinintheseat

I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.

@offbeatoliv

Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.

@daemonic3

WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind

ME: Duh

[later at party]

ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?

@BookishBunny

Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.

@AndyAsAdjective

HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble

ME: that’s ridictacular

@68Cly29

I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane