VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
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My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
[God waking up with a hangover] last night was a blur. Whose prayers did I answer?
[sees Trump leading in the polls] uh oh
You’d better czechoslovakia before you wreckyoslovakia.
Justin Beiber has 23 million followers and I just got unfollowed by a horse magazine.