I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
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A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one