@2tickytacky

I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.

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@david8hughes

Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead

@pilau

I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️

@notviking

date: i like a lot of music but i’m really into rock

me: [trying to impress her] oh yeah me too

date: really? what’s your favorite subgenre?

me: [visibly sweating] s-sedimentary

@Brampersandon_

BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool

ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah

@Gre_Gone

Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?

@karanbirtinna

What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?

@alexblagg

Things the GOP has battled this week:

1. Ethics
2. Intelligence

@maryjennaa

i hate when people ask me “what did you do today?” like buddy listen I woke up at noon and then it was five pm okay I don’t kn o w

@KenJennings

Guy at the park who just put out his cigar and started doing tai chi is my new fitness guru.

@Mr_Kapowski

Watched an old man pay in all quarters and my only thought was “he must keep all the money he pulls from behind kid’s ears”