@2tickytacky

I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.

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@kumailn

What a weird thing that a Presidential candidate is like “I tried to stab my friend” & his opponents are like “no you didn’t.”

@Sickayduh

“So where are you from?”
– I’m a Liberian
“Oh sorry *whispers* where are you from?”

@meganamram

Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves

@sofarrsogud

Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.

Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.

@JohnLyonTweets

I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.

@HoldinCoffeeld

Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.

@FatherWithTwins

My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process

@living_marble

No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.

@KimmyMonte

i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.