I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.

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What a weird thing that a Presidential candidate is like “I tried to stab my friend” & his opponents are like “no you didn’t.”


“So where are you from?”
– I’m a Liberian
“Oh sorry *whispers* where are you from?”


Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves


Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.

Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.


I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.


Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.


My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process


No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.


i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.