I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.

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HR: We need to see you for a moment

Me: Is this about the nail clipping?

He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails


[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?


MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]


if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel


Well, I’ve got to hand it to you.

-Guy explaining how the baton works in a relay race.


Fun game:

Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours


Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.


If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse πŸ™


Note to self:

Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”