@2tickytacky

I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.

You Might Also Like

@ThugRaccoons

HR: We need to see you for a moment

Me: Is this about the nail clipping?

He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails

@ericsshadow

[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?

@joejwest

MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]

@120yearz

if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel

@cbdoubleu

Well, I’ve got to hand it to you.

-Guy explaining how the baton works in a relay race.

@SomthinBoutSara

Fun game:

Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours

@chudneyspears

Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.

@WhatsHerFace33

If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse πŸ™

@Ideal_Victoria

Note to self:

Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”