I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.

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Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead


I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️


date: i like a lot of music but i’m really into rock

me: [trying to impress her] oh yeah me too

date: really? what’s your favorite subgenre?

me: [visibly sweating] s-sedimentary


BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool

ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah


Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?


What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?


Things the GOP has battled this week:

1. Ethics
2. Intelligence


i hate when people ask me “what did you do today?” like buddy listen I woke up at noon and then it was five pm okay I don’t kn o w


Guy at the park who just put out his cigar and started doing tai chi is my new fitness guru.


Watched an old man pay in all quarters and my only thought was “he must keep all the money he pulls from behind kid’s ears”