I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
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Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
wow
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?