@causticbob

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.

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@LazerPunch

I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?

@NewDadNotes

Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.

Me: what makes you say that?

Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?

Wife: see what I me-

Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.

@ObscureGent

[Last day in prison]

*Walks up to the biggest guy*

Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.

@TheHyyyype

me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?

mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”

@FuckabillyRex

I probably wouldn’t know what to do with my hands if you were murdering me, but there’s a strong possibility I would hug you really tight.

@beersuds

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…

@C_J_Commode

I’ve reached the point of laziness where even laying around has become too much for me to handle.

@HeyZeus666

If a baby like Justin Bieber is the face of teen angst and rebellion, then we’ve bubble wrapped our kids too tight.