I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.

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I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?


Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.

Me: what makes you say that?

Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?

Wife: see what I me-

Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.


[Last day in prison]

*Walks up to the biggest guy*

Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.


me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?

mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”


I probably wouldn’t know what to do with my hands if you were murdering me, but there’s a strong possibility I would hug you really tight.


Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…


I’ve reached the point of laziness where even laying around has become too much for me to handle.


If a baby like Justin Bieber is the face of teen angst and rebellion, then we’ve bubble wrapped our kids too tight.