I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
You Might Also Like
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.