I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
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Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.