@teacup_giraffe

I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you’re right fellas, men are smarter than women.

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@findmydolls

78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60

My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.

@Jamberee13

Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”

Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub

@carlawh

Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.

@noogscorner

Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.

@RandomManik

My gym instructor says that Warm-Ups are extremely necessary.

So, I brought donuts along this time but I can’t find the microwave oven.

@notxzibit

Google search history:

Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet

@karanbirtinna

My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.

@HenpeckedHal

Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.