I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you’re right fellas, men are smarter than women.

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78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60

My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.


Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”

Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub


Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.


Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.


My gym instructor says that Warm-Ups are extremely necessary.

So, I brought donuts along this time but I can’t find the microwave oven.


Google search history:

Is there a j in marawana
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet


My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.


Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.