When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
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I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Just a reminder, folks:
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…