@jergarl

I walked out naked one time and she’s like wtf. And I’m like this is how god made me! And she’s like no that’s how beer and tacos made you.

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@ShortSleeveSuit

[first day as an ambulance driver]

ME: *crashes into a light pole*

PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet

@stevevsninjas

Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?

@Dawn_M_

Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.

@NINETIREDBUGS

the moon has NO GENDER and IS MY BEST FRIEND and SAID YOU GUYS HAVE TO BE NICE TO ME OR IT’S CANCELING TIDES FOREVER

@mommajessiec

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

@qwertying

A Little girl asked her father: Do all fairy tales begin with Once upon a time? Father: No, some begin with – If elected I promise..

@weinerdog4life

The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.

@bea_ker

[in ambulance]

“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”

Yes it was like an angry rope

@loneblockbuster

Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.

@TheNYAMProject

My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?

Me: The what?

Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?

*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*

Me: Practice.