I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
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therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Ape together strong
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.