I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
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Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
The “baby” on the left….
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
He’s cranky this morning
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why