I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
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If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.