@Manda_like_wine

I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”

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@Proxic0n

EXPLORER: so we found all this new land

KING: Sweet What did you name it?

E: Newfoundland

K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him

@AndyAsAdjective

Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.

@Brianhopecomedy

My 2 year old wanted to race me home from daycare and I am TOTALLY winning. I don’t even see her tricycle in my rear-view mirror.

@realHamOnWry

There’s a difference between when a woman is furious and when she’s irate. It’s the difference between sleeping on the couch or in a casket.

@Busocco

How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.

@Underchilde

More than eighty percent of the world records I hold are for making shit up.

@wendchymes

My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .

@WhrTheBrainRots

If I consider you a friend, I’ll be there for you. With an ear, a shoulder, a drill, a shovel, an alibi – whatever you need to feel better.

@DurtMcHurtt

ME: *posing nude for a painter*

GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.

@Sassafrantz

[Ghost Hunters]
This ghost is a male, probably in his 40’s
-how’d u figure that out?
He went bat shit crazy when we turned the thermostat up