EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
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Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
My 2 year old wanted to race me home from daycare and I am TOTALLY winning. I don’t even see her tricycle in my rear-view mirror.
There’s a difference between when a woman is furious and when she’s irate. It’s the difference between sleeping on the couch or in a casket.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
More than eighty percent of the world records I hold are for making shit up.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
If I consider you a friend, I’ll be there for you. With an ear, a shoulder, a drill, a shovel, an alibi – whatever you need to feel better.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
This ghost is a male, probably in his 40’s
-how’d u figure that out?
He went bat shit crazy when we turned the thermostat up