I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
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*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Not recommended for beginners.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
for all #parents out there
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.