you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
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Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…