i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
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The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.