@lazerdoov

I wanna be rich enough to have 11 midgets who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast

I wanna be rich enough to have 11 midgets who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast

- @lazerdoov

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@brendohare

A nation cheers as Bigfoot is finally found. “We just yelled his name,” said the head explorer. “Can’t believe no one thought of that.”

@Xoolun

I totally understand how batteries feel because I’m rarely ever included in things either.

@mrjohntofu

Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?

– everyone

@WilliamAder

Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

@just1fool

No thanks, animal crackers. You’re not fooling me. I eat real animals.

@Mom_Overboard

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

@WilliamRodgers

The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…