I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
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[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
New menu item
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
I think my mom just blocked me