I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
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“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.