I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, "Ha! I didn't amount to anything! In your face!"

I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”

In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.

MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo

Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.

me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive

Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.

[stuck on side of road]

DATE: can you change a tire?

ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?

I’m always just a bit disappointed when a liars pants don’t actually catch on fire.

When someone asks me if I’m seeing anyone, I automatically assume they’re talking about a psychiatrist.

COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.

“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink

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