@FilthyRichmond

I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”

You Might Also Like

@werehedgehog

In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.

@PostCultRev

MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo

@3sunzzz

Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.

@Izianikapani

Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[stuck on side of road]

DATE: can you change a tire?

ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?

@Andrea__B__

I’m always just a bit disappointed when a liars pants don’t actually catch on fire.

@Glorificus917

When someone asks me if I’m seeing anyone, I automatically assume they’re talking about a psychiatrist.

@bornmiserable

COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.

@bridger_w

“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink