SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
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I blow-dried my hair, now it looks like the mane of a majestic lion who is really good at video games
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
– 911, what’s your emergency?
– My nephew just swallowed a lighter!
– What’s your address?
– Never mind, I found some matches.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*