I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
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We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I’m dying louder than usual today.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂