@FilthyRichmond

I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”

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@MatCro

SON: How are monster trucks made?

ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-

GF: [glares]

ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane

@briangaar

I blow-dried my hair, now it looks like the mane of a majestic lion who is really good at video games

@SomeChrisTweets

When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.

@TheAlexNevil

Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes

@GoldenSpirals

[At Pharmacy]

Pharmacist: This medi…

Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.

@jonnysun

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

@iwearaonesie

wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

@LoveNLunchmeat

I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.

@SamuelHLowe

– 911, what’s your emergency?
– My nephew just swallowed a lighter!
– What’s your address?
– Never mind, I found some matches.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[first day as a preschool teacher]

ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*