I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
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Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
my name if I was in the mob
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”