i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
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Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.
Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Anyways the gym said i can’t use the tanning bed to make nachos anymore
I have never “cat called” a woman. I go home, paint her from memory & then yell at the painting. It’s called respect.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
I felt that…
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.