I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
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LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
guilty
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.