I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in

-My dog, all day long.

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I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.


ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments


I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.


So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.


dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly

patient: he doesn’t even know my mom

dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth


We only have world peace today thanks to the tireless efforts of thousands of former beauty queens who didn’t give up on their dreams.


like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?


I feel like I have something to prove here.

Judge: That’s sort of how this works.


Staying at my daughter’s place again this weekend. Can’t wait till 3am so I can wake her to tell her there’s a moth in my room.