Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
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Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break