I wanna hear one person say that their motivation to lose weight was how bad their farts were. Just a guy crying like “it was ripping my family apart.”

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“What if something fell off your glass every time you picked it up? That’d be great.”
– The inventor of coasters


Hug your children. Hug your friends and family. Hug the cashier at Chipotle. Hug someone else’s children. Hug the arresting officer.


Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.

Him: we met six seconds ago.


Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.


When I get a headache, I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.


The cats told me the reason we only have one life is because we’re too stupid to handle nine lives. I believe this is true.


me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this

my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired


Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science

[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]