@LauraKPeek

I wanna hear one person say that their motivation to lose weight was how bad their farts were. Just a guy crying like “it was ripping my family apart.”

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@pstamato

“What if something fell off your glass every time you picked it up? That’d be great.”
– The inventor of coasters

@jabba_jabba_jaw

Hug your children. Hug your friends and family. Hug the cashier at Chipotle. Hug someone else’s children. Hug the arresting officer.

@likeursoperfect

Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.

Him: we met six seconds ago.

@Social_Mime

Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.

@LOUD_Thoughts_

When I get a headache, I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.

@katta_IoIkatt

The cats told me the reason we only have one life is because we’re too stupid to handle nine lives. I believe this is true.

@KattsDogma

me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this

my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired

@PhilJamesson

Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science

[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]