I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
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Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Thursday
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.