I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes

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Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …


5yo: What happens when we die?

Me: People fight over your stuff


I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.


I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.


Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.


Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.


They should give the girls who don’t get a rose on The Bachelor a cat.