I saw a smart car get hit with a snow ball today, yep, it was totalled!
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
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Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
They should give the girls who don’t get a rose on The Bachelor a cat.