I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
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Every time.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes