I wanna learn to speak Italian. Partially to go to Italy but mostly so I can pretend I don’t know English when people wanna make small talk.

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Everybody is complaining about their significant other, and I’m over here trying to keep mine charged above 10%.


When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”


Me: is it ok if we have sex right now

Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking

Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree

Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman


8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment


“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.


I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.


video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber


[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]


My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.