So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
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no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Meme Monday.