It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
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“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.