TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
You Might Also Like
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile