I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
You Might Also Like
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.