I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
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So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
I was just discussing this with my cat
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5