I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
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When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Ain’t no way
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Hey I worked for it too!
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.