@anerdonfire2

I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz

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@ClichedOut

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: The company moved.

I: Where?

M: They didn’t tell me.

@ArfMeasures

DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day

*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*

DH: well this has been wonderful

@SexySpainNights

Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,

I found my bagpipes for tonight.

@cynthiajones11

Granny always said, ‘If in doubt, check it out.’
My addition: ‘If the answer gets your goat, punch ’em in the throat.’

@MeganGetsMoney

Logged out of Twitter for a few hours… Finally graduated college, lost some weight, showered, read 17 books, and started a family.

@mynameisntdave

[diner]

ME: I’ll have the eggs, please

WAITER: how would you like those?

ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.

@thatUPSdude

I love when you’re choking someone and they are all “I can’t breathe”, duh I’m choking you.

@Book_Krazy

Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*

Boss: WTH?!

Me: It’s Natl Bully Month

Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!

Me: well this is awkward

@andylassner

I said “no” to a lot of things this year without giving them a chance.
In 2016 I plan on saying “maybe” more and then changing it to “no”.