Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
M: They didn’t tell me.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
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Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Granny always said, ‘If in doubt, check it out.’
My addition: ‘If the answer gets your goat, punch ’em in the throat.’
Logged out of Twitter for a few hours… Finally graduated college, lost some weight, showered, read 17 books, and started a family.
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
I love when you’re choking someone and they are all “I can’t breathe”, duh I’m choking you.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
I said “no” to a lot of things this year without giving them a chance.
In 2016 I plan on saying “maybe” more and then changing it to “no”.