I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
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4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?