No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
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The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
When you’re Kinky but poor
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.