i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
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Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did