I wanna work at a bank so I can get that employee discount on money

You Might Also Like


ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?


ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.


A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if


Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.


[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these


My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.


imagine if otters became overpopulated and started destroying the world. it would be so cute.


“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*


If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.



Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.