I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
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Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Breaking news:
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)