I want 2 kids just in case the first one doesn’t get enough likes on Instagram.

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Dear autocorrect,

I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.

Quit your shit.


“Hi doc!”
“Hi! What is that behind your ear?”
“Nice try, too old for the coin trick”
“No it’s a tumor”
“Oh my god”
“Kidding it’s a quarter”


13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?

me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.


You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.


Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.


Most computer problems can be fixed by removing the idiot from the keyboard.


Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.


Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”


*hits on a guy*

He’s bleeding. I think I’m doing this wrong.