Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
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Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.