I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
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Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*