I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.

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What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?


I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.


Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f


I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.

The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.


1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie


I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.


“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken


[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo