My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
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I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
My love language is deader than Latin
Do one person every day that scares you.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
This bar smells like my childhood.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.