My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
I want a firsthand test of the “mo money, mo problems” hypothesis.
You Might Also Like
Instead of blocking your ex, become such a disaster online that everyone makes fun of your ex for dating you
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
[A Dad about to give the birds & the bees talk]
*Watches son try to poke a Capri Sun for 35 minutes*
“Know what, we’re good”
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.