Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
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Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
No. YOU-buprofen.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.