I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
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Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules