All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
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THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.