I want a girl with a short fuse and a straitjacket.

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I had to breathe while my cat was sitting on my lap and now she’s disgusted with me.


Venmo me $20 and I will comment “yikes” on an enemy’s Instagram picture of your choosing


Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….

Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.


me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos


The first Transformer that comes to Earth will look like a Tesla.


Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.

*walks out of pharmacy*


When I’m bored, I like to hold wedding ceremonies for my kitchen utensils.

“I now pronounce you pan and knife.”