@coremillionaire

I want a girl with a short fuse and a straitjacket.

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@dakarrier

Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet

@PrisonCookies

My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.

@dafloydsta

WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause

WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet

@maddyalou

Feeling sick at work.
Subway to the bus-$5
Bus to commuter lot-$2
Puking in my car-$0
Guy in the car next to me puking in response-priceless

@TheLastVirgo

The moral of Little Red Riding Hood is:
1) Never trust strangers;
2) Learn to differentiate facial features between a wild dog & a human.

@brittwastaken

I want to find a way to get women naked, rub them with lotion, and convince them to pay me for it at the end.

-The inventor of massage

@iGreenMonk

Some people hear voices..

Some see invisible people..

Others have no imagination whatsoever.

@DaddyJew

“Do you remember that time we-“

Let me stop you right there, no.