I had to breathe while my cat was sitting on my lap and now she’s disgusted with me.
I want a girl with a short fuse and a straitjacket.
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Venmo me $20 and I will comment “yikes” on an enemy’s Instagram picture of your choosing
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
The first Transformer that comes to Earth will look like a Tesla.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
I want a Times New Roman on the streets and a Wingdings in the sheets.
When I’m bored, I like to hold wedding ceremonies for my kitchen utensils.
“I now pronounce you pan and knife.”