Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
You Might Also Like
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
me and who
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance