“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
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every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
It be like that sometimes 😆
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
who will stop them
Life is a suicide mission.