I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
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X-tra spooky blend
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.