I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
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If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.