Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
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[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Oceanography is all about current events
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”